Aries Spears: The Rap Impersonater

damnnnnn...everyone is in the mother f-in house! snoop, DMX...

who's right? who's wrong? who's an ass? who's dumb?

so tomorrow. huge game. the rivarly is hotter than lohan's fire crotch in cancun. i know, i know. where does a spartan fit into all of this? well, we hate U of M, we really do. they beat us, they always beat us really good...EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE GAME SOPHOMORE YEAR, 2002...what an amazing game, and at our home field too. anyways back to the player hatin'...the reason we hate them, is not because we envy them, it's because when they beat us 55-0, they still are asses about it. they can't win their easy football game against us and then get wasted with us (because lord knows we drink and they study), they have to STAY SOBER after the win and taunt us until someone ends up burning a couch or hitting them in the head with a keg. also, i have been told many times that i am dumb for going to MSU...but i seem to know a few prestigious U of M grads that work in retail right now, oh snap, you need a degree for that? yes...a degree that says: I AM BETTER THAN YOU.

ok, on to the game. every year I secretly root for OSU for this game because of the treatment I have received from a many U of M fan (and by the way, most of the U of M fans never even went to school there). let me say this before i root for Ohio State tomorrow, I do have some great friends from U of M, yes they are die hard fans...and yes they have never insulted me because they went to U of M and I went to State, we still get along. also, I happen to have a boyfriend that graduated from U of M, and he knows he's with a hot MSU girl, rock on.

here is what ESPN is saying about the game, but most of all the rivarly:

(example of OSUers being just scarred for life)
It is true that the late Ohio State coach Woody Hayes, who did more to pump up the negative feelings in the rivalry than any man, refused to fill up his car in the state of Michigan.

"I'll tell you why we don't," Hayes said, according to the seminal book, "Woody Hayes and the 100-Yard War." "It's because I don't buy one goddam drop of gas in the state of Michigan. We'll coast and push this goddam car to the Ohio line before I give this state a nickel of my money!"
(this guy might be crazy)

It is true that Michigan, leading 55-0 late in the 1946 game, lined up and kicked a field goal.
(are you sure that wasn't vs. MSU?)

It is true that in 1970, a local judge in Columbus dismissed a charge of obscenity against a defendant arrested for wearing a T-shirt that said, "F--- Michigan" because the message "accurately expressed" local feelings about the university and the state.
(how about Muck Fichigan? it totally goes under the radar)

(and finally...Ohioians may be crazy or they really could care less about state government)
It is true that, by state law, the Franklin County (Ohio) Board of Elections is supposed to begin counting the provisional ballots cast in this month's 15th Congressional District race on Nov. 18. Rep. Deborah Pryce leads challenger Mary Jo Kilroy by 3,536 votes. However, the board will not begin to count the votes until Nov. 19 so that the counters may watch the Ohio State-Michigan game.

great story from a hotel worker in Columbus, found this one on Deadspin.com:

There was a slight problem with overbooking at the Blackwell and ESPN Gameday lost their rooms (money talks when it comes to endowment funds). All of the downtown hotels are full, but there were a few rooms available. Unfortunately there wasn't a room at the nice lofty hotel for Lee Corso.

So the lofty hotel placed a call to the person who had reserved a bunch of rooms for his buddies ... let's call him "#27."

Hotel to "#27:" Would you mind giving up your room for Corso so the whole gameday staff can be in one building (minus Kirk who will be staying at house in c-bus)?"
#27's response: Tell Corso he can Fu@# me!

and one more for the road...from Deadspin.com:
If Michigan fans need a plan on how to survive Columbus unmolested, here's a handy primer.

ahhh...gotta love it! good luck to both teams...although i will be with my U of M boyfriend watching the game I will be secretly rooting for a different kind of victory...GO SPARTANS! hahahaha

(R.I.P. Bo)

and the quote of the day is....

DAVID GEST’s estranged wife Liza Minnelli yesterday said she hopes he gets “f****d by a kangaroo and eaten by crocs” in the jungle.

[The Sun Online]

thanks Liza, now I can have a kick ass weekend!

next: Yoko Ono to be seen wearing a shirt that reads 'Transparent'

...why are the Lennon's so weird? they seem to have spent their whole lives trying to be weird and be peace deliverers or just real dude, just real! Yoko, what the F? get that peace sign out of your hoo-ha.

actually this journalistic gem comes from a poor guy probably straight out of J school and was super hyped about interviewing John Lennon's son, not actually the fact that he was interviewing Sean Lennon, who, I REPEAT, will not name drop dude, it's just not cool. enjoy this irate questionaire and check out the rest at: [ San Francisco Chronicle ]

Q: That's all I'm asking. How do you get along with your brother, Julian? You seem to take swipes at each other in the press.

A: When did I do that? I don't think I've ever said anything that was a swipe at him. If you can give me an example, I'll answer to it. But I don't think you have one.

Q: You recently said that you were glad you never took the cheesy pop route with your name.

A: That has nothing to do with him. He taught me to play guitar. I used to, like, worship him. Trust me: When his record was No. 1 I was, like, 14, and he was a god to me. He's one of the reasons I started playing music.

Q: Do you ever call him for career advice? Do you call anyone for advice?

A: Do I ever call anyone for advice? That's a really stupid question, dude.

Q: It is?

A: Well, I mean, "Do you ever call anyone for advice?" It's so vague. Have you ever called anyone for advice? Yes, sure. I mean, what are you trying to say? Do I call celebrities that might be interesting for me to give you an anecdote about?

Q: That's what people want to read.

A: You're so transparent, dude. Get over it. Why don't you just say, "Do you ever call celebrities?" You didn't say that because that sounded too stupid. You had to say it in this sort of backhanded way.

Q: Wait, let me rephrase it: "Do you ever call celebrities?"

A: It's just such a dumb question I can't even dignify it with an answer, dude.
_________________________________________
*want to email the writer and ask him what his function is? i'm not sure who is the bigger idiot after reading this article...?

E-mail Aidin Vaziri at avaziri@sfchronicle.com.

i've got a book for you if you want to read about crap for sale

Sky Maul: Happy Crap You Can Buy From a Plane (amazon.com) is a hilarious parody book that just came out, sounds funny (gawker wrote about it, so did some other sites), looks funny (from the amazon.com sneak peek i got)...and if you're lucky enough to catch the show in NY they are performing Sky Maul at the Upright Citizens Brigade this weekend.

some of the products/crap include:

• a Whore-ganizer (blackberry just for your hoes)
• an iPod shredder, because they always malfunction
• a bandana-ganizer, made just for KFed

sounds just as useful as the crap they really sell in the sky mall.

*how many douche bags read that and go and try and order the Whore-ganizer...thousands i bet! that would be the ultimate douche device.

hey y'all, it's TA TA season

"hey y'all, the boobies are out!"
"hey y'all, i'm not wearing a bra!"

have we not seen enough cleavage lately? after the emancipation of Brit from KF*ck, we got her tits as a "welcome back" present. gee thanks.

also, Salma Hayek took off her shirt on Ugly Betty and everyone got to see the gazookas she's working with.

wait, i got one more for you...Ivanka Trump has been showing the cleave so much lately that some people are starting to wonder, is daddy doing some free advertising to introduce the new Trump Tits? his gold plated (inside) better-than-silicone-titties for the hooker in you! of course a classy hooker like Melaaaania.
Ivanka: "this is when i was flat"
Ivanka: "these are the Trump Tits"

i suck

i never made it to the KFED show. i suck. and that was my only chance to actually have a real account of an exciting pop culture event. at first, the tickets were FREE, and then so many people wanted to go and see him SUCK that they were out of the free-for-alls. so i still could of gone, but didn't want to give KFed my money that would probably go toward diapers for Shar Jones' kids and a fresh set of corn rows. many people made it out to the show, mainly journalists and those looking for a laugh, especially since it was just A DAY after Brit Brit filed for divorce and then had the emanicipation of her ta ta's (shown in ever picture post-KFed divorce papers).

Here is a good article from PEOPLE that accounted the Chicago, House of Blue performance of the now Fed Ex:

Kevin Federline Parties in Chicago

Kevin Federline is a man mourning the demise of his marriage, he didn't show it onstage at Chicago's House of Blues Wednesday night. Playing the role of a rap Casanova, Federline, who is seeking sole custody of his kids with Britney Spears, leaned into the crowd to touch the hands of women who were reaching toward him. Several songs into the set, he referenced his breakup with Spears. "Hey, I see a lot of fine ladies in here," said the rapper. "You know I'm a free man, right, ladies? You wanna dance with a pimp?" Federline kept his spirits up throughout the performance before a standing-room-only audience (tickets were being given away free), though he addressed the "haters" from the stage, as a few audience members heckled him. Still that didn't stop him from getting his newly single status across yet again: "All my ladies," he said from stage, "I love you to death!"

After the show, Federline lived up to his party boy reputation, by stopping by the Chicago hot spot, Cabaret(click link for club site), where he arrived just after midnight. He was escorted to a VIP section where he chatted up his entourage and danced to the thunderous music – cigarette in hand – rapping aloud when his own songs were played. People packed the small VIP section; those who weren't allowed inside crowded around it. Federline didn't budge from the corner he occupied until just before 1 a.m. when three fans, shouting and waving at him, got his attention. He declined their request to join them on the dance floor, but did sign the three CD jackets they handed to him. "He signed my name wrong, but I don't care. Oh my God, I love him," said Colleen Harvey whose Federline autograph read: "To Kelly Thanx 4 tha support F--- the media KF" Around 1:25 a.m., Federline took over the microphone: "Ladies if you're drunk, let me hear you scream!" he shouted. Later he added, "I represent the g–damned West Coast." When the crowd thinned out, Federline ordered champagne for the DJ booth, drank Jack Daniels from the bottle and let friends try on his many gold chains. "It's a party for K Federline. Gonna rock and roll," he announced. After leading the remaining crowed in an expletive-filled chant against the media, Federline reminded everyone that he's unattached: "He said he's a single man. He's looking for ladies," Harvey said.

amped up!!! sweaty palms!!! killer pulse!!!

HOLY SHIT! I JUST DRANK THIS NEW DRINK CALLED FOUR AND I COULD NOT STOP DANCING AND SWEATING AND DRINKING...MORE MORE MORE! HOLY SHIT! IT TASTES SO GOOD, IT'S LIKE LIGHT RED POP (FAYGO, of course) MAN OH MAN OH MAN, I AM BOUCNING OFF OF THE SIDEWALKS, JUMPING OVER BUMS ON MICHIGAN AVENUE, SLAM DUNKING AT THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BBALL COURT, POWER SHOPPING AT H&M HITTING PEOPLE TO FIND THE BEST DEAL, POWER WALKING ALL THE WAY TO LAKEVIEW FROM THE GOLDCOAST IN 10 MINUTES FLAT, EATING A HOT DOG FASTER THAN TOBAYASHI, PASSING THE CARS ON LSD DURING RUSH HOUR WHILE SKIPPING, WATCHING 10 TV PROGRAMS AT ONE TIME COMPREHENDING NONE OF THEM, RUNNING UP 32 FLOORS TO MY APARTMENT INSTEAD OF TAKING THE ELEVATOR.

ok, now i'm cooooming dowwwwwn. my heart is racing, my palms are sweaty, my feet will not stop sweating either, i can't focus. i am starting to over think everything. i can't close my eyes. am i having a heart attack? i did not do drugs! wait a second...

general consensus: no could sleep that drank it. what the hell is in it?

caffiene. worm wood oil. guarana. taurine. red dyes. premium malt beverage with 6% alcohol volume.

[Four is a new alcoholic "body buzz beverage" that combines three ingredients (caffeine, taurine, guarana) commonly found in energy drinks with wormwood. Wormwood is a Mediterranean herb and supposed aphrodisiac that's said to produce the body buzz.
But it's also the active ingredient in absinthe, the electric-green European spirit that's banned in the United States.In fact, according to Phusion Projects' Chris Hunter, it is the first drink to legally contain wormwood in the U.S. in almost 100 years.] intakeweekly.com

sounds pretty damn good. but do you know how much caffiene is in this drink? 4 cans later and i had a caffiene high a 10 year old at an all-you-can-drink pop birthday party at Chucky Cheese has never seen. unreal. let's take a look at what the website says and analyze:

FOUR the game: "...the only problem we FOUR-see is that you may want to actually take the field than just sit and watch the game."

FOUR the beach: "one more F bomb and it could be HAMMER TIME!" (next to a pic with some douche bag wearing a cowboy hat, with no shirt on with his mouth open trying to impress some asian arm candy)

FOUR the party: "cause life is just a party, and parties are meant to last..." (YEAH and LAST and LAST and LAST...until you find yourself not sleeping for an entire week!)